sweet spot

I love these kinds of days when the little one is nothing but sweetness, when I catch my breath because she is just so lovely. After a successful writing day at home, I picked the little one up from school and we spent almost half an hour watching the construction at the end of the block. Two diggers (both resting at the moment) and a cement truck (in action) makes for very exciting spectating. Her nonstop questioning--what's that truck doing? what's that noise it made? why it go swish?--made me want to read up on how trucks do what they do.

From there, we head to a park "where there are kids" and the little one climbs on rope structures and slides and ladders. She shows me her home amongst the woodchips and makes me "lemon cream pie with salt on it." She cocks her head everytime she hears another child calling out or crying; "why that boy crying? Maybe he bonked. His mama will help him feel better." She even ran through the sprinklers (not that you'd know it was summer from the 68 degrees and the longsleeves and pants we were all wearing.)

Home, she climbs up into our bed and asks me to get cozy under the covers with her. "It's my orange house. It's dark." Her eyes sparkle as she roars like a lion, giggling because I wince each time, to validate her claims that I'm "scary" of her. "It's okay, Mama; Baba will save you from my lion."

After dinner ("I make the food with Mama, Baba."), she runs around the house, waters plants with her Baba, and builds towers to knock them over. She also takes out her new ponytail rubberbands (her new favorite toy) to sort them into "piles of the different colors."

Her Baba has to go to a meeting at her school and she tells me to "go give him hug" before bedtime. She requests "Oscar's Half-Birthday" for a story, bearly able to keep her eyes open. We're going to NYC tomorrow for a summer celebration party and she's already excited to see her BevieandAya and especially "Bevie's rabbit and frog from her office."

Precious.

distracted

Maybe it's the weather. Or the fact that it's supposed to be summer. Or maybe I have a vacation hangover. Whatever the reason, I am having the hardest time concentrating lately. With no real immediate pressing tasks to take care of, I cannot seem to focus on the bigger projects that I should be chipping away at. Instead of working I find endless ways to twiddle my thumbs while starting at my computer screen: I check my email, surf Facebook, read blogs, and shop online. I successfully disconnected for the four days of vacation and somehow thought things would be different when I returned to the real world. I am hopeful that some big chunks of work at home time the next few days will be a successful remedy. What about you--how do you refocus?

vacation

It was just what we needed. After a slightly rocky transition in (mostly on my part, but the little one too), we spent lots of time just being together, enjoying the sunshine and the kind of days that come only when you're far from home.

more rain

a walk with my girl in the rain after work. and with that, we're on vacation...

writing day

All my meetings (except for a work lunch) got canceled today so I got a surprise writing day. My third in a week, what a treat! I've been mostly very productive, but am having a harder time being motivated today and am trying to get in the flow to respond to the (largely helpful) comments about a paper I submitted. In the meantime, I'll write here in the hopes that inspiration strikes.

July 1 and I am counting down the hours until our family goes on vacation. We leave for an island beach getaway tomorrow morning and I could not be more excited. We haven't taken a vacation just the three of us in...a long time; all our travels are organized around extended family and holidays and I'm looking forward to the three of us moving at our own pace, setting our own agenda, and enjoying our family unit.

The little one is on vacation from school this week. My parents came up to help with childcare the last few days and I've been having flashbacks of last year when this was their full-time job. I love them to pieces and they adore being with their granddaughter in this way, but I'm glad to have moved on from that phase of our lives together. As this article from the Sunday New York Times magazine talks about, I feel strongly about boundaries. I like to have my space, some walls up, and some privacy about what goes on in my life. I know this limits the intimacy in my relationships and keeps me from experiencing some closeness with my loved ones. I've been thinking about this lately and wondering what I'm missing out on, whether it's worth it, and just what I am protecting myself from. For now, and maybe for always, it feels more comfortable this way; keeping some things to myself seems to be my natural way of being. I'm okay with that...

My mother tells me all the ways my daughter is like me and how I've done so many things to help this little girl become the person she is. I resist this, always reminding her (and myself) that there many of these things are things the little one seems to have been born with; we have certainly worked to foster certain qualities, but a lot of her traits feel ingrained within her. I wonder about my tendency toward boundaries and how that will play out with my daughter. And how did my relationship with my mother influence my own development in this way? Eternally questioning...

unbelievable

I'm staying home with the little one today since her school is closed this week. We worked it out last night so my partner would leave the house at 8 and I could squeeze in time to work before that. I set the alarm for 5:50, the earliest I could stand. The alarm goes off. Not a minute later, the little one is calling for me from her room.

is summer here?

A weekend without many plans is a beautiful thing. Highlights include dinner and a trip to "the ice cream store," "muffin scones," planting flowers on our roof deck, making tents in the kitchen ("we can all three go in!"), and watching boats and trains at the park by the river. (And lots of dancing and singing along to MJ...)

We also had quite a bit of home improvement: the light in the kitchen mysteriously went out on Tuesday and finally got fixed on Friday (an a new bulb on Saturday); our house continues to get painted ("are the painters coming to my house?!" the little one asks every day); and the closet that collapsed on Thursday finally got fixed today (after a planning process that ranged from closet organizational systems to our own configured mini-system to a bracket-supported rod, we ended up with the exact same rigged configuration we had in the first place; let's hope it holds...)

Other than that, the little one also seems to have leveled-up again and her language has been catching me by surprise. Again, some highlights:

Friday at bedtime: we were reading stories in her room and I noticed some skin peeling on the bottom of her foot. I looked at it and then she said, "I look at it myself. You no look at it." Pause. "You going to read?" she asks. "I didn't know if you were ready," I respond. "I can listen. Go ahead."

At various times this weekend she has called me: "mama sweetie", "mama brown sage" (her last and middle names), "sweetie pie", and "honey mama." She also gave me hugs and kisses "to help you feel better" whenever I said ouch, and asked me if I was mad when I was frustrated with the closet (see above.)

Yesterday she was looking out the window at the painters, whose legs are visible at our kitchen. "He's different," she says. My partner and I exchange a glance. "He's different? How is he different?" I ask. "He has on those pants. What's that on his pants?"

Saturday we were reading a book called "We All Sing in the Same Voice," published by the Sesame Street people, about how we all have things that make us our own special people, but we all sing in the same voice. There's a page about what color hair people have and I ask the little one what color her hair is. "Black." Eyes? "Brown." Favorite thing to do? "Play." One daddy or two? "One." Where do you live? "In my house!"

After visiting an open house with her Baba today she reported back to me, "There was a cat there, Mama. With the lady. But it was a little shy. It didn't want to say hi to me. Why? Remember that cat that scratched me yesterday, Mama? It scratched me. Why?"

Tonight while sitting at dinner, she announced: "It's dead." "It's dead?" I ask. Nod. "What's dead?" She points to her knee, "My boo-boo. It's dead. It fall off."

On the changing table she starts singing: "I'm a little teapot, climbed up the water spout, here is my spout, and here is my wash, when I get all steended, tip me over and pour me out."

still raining

It's rained 19 out of 23 days this month... Last night I was on my way to dinner with a friend when I get a phone call from home about two important things to share: 1) the little one used the potty at school for the first time! and 2) she's seeming quite sick, won't eat anything, and is asking to go to bed at 7:00 (bedtime is usually 8/8:30 these days.) What should he do? I run down the list of options--juice, bath, popsicles, etc.--and immediately revise my schedule for the rest of the week in my head. I worked very hard to clear my time from Wednesday afternoon through Friday so I could have uninterrupted writing time and checked off things on my to-do list so I wouldn't be tempted to do other things. (I've spent much of the last two weeks training two new staff and now feel they are able to be on their own, without me needing to be around every possible second, just in case.) And now, a sick little one.

The weird thing is, I sort of knew this was going to happen. The little one was a little off Monday night; she actually told us she felt sick and that her stomach "had a ant in it." I had a flash that she would be sick and that I'd have to miss my two things on Wednesday, but that I could theoretically stay with her Thursday and Friday since I had planned to use it for writing. And, of course, next week her school is closed entirely.

I gave in to the home sick day this morning (after my mama skills were seriously tested by vomit everywhere) and we've been spending the day cuddling on the couch, reading an amazing amount of books, playing with blocks, and just being cozy indoors. In some ways, it's a nice break; I've been wishing for a mental health day for a while and this looks like the closest I'm going to get for a little while so I'm trying to enjoy it. It's not every Wednesday I can be in sweatpants and watch Sesame Street (and blog!) in the middle of the day.

I keep having these flashes of how comforting it was to be home sick with my mama, how nice it felt to just curl up together, how special it was to be allowed to lie in my parents' bed and be treated to food I wasn't usually allowed to eat. And there's something comforting about being the mama now, too--holding my little girl on my lap, showering her with kisses and hugs, wrapping her up in a blanket, soothing her when she wakes up from her nap too early. I am so fortunate to be able to stay home with her like this.

Solstice

Inspired by this and today being the longest day of the year, here's my list of things to do before Labor Day (and beyond):

1. Cook one new meal each week using fresh produce from my farm share.
2. Read 3 novels.
3. Get into an exercise routine again.
4. Walk to work as much as possible.
5. Drink more water.
6. Plant a container garden.
7. Declutter the back hallway.
8. Hang the photo we bought months ago.
9. Print some new photos of the little one.
10. Submit my dissertation article.
11. Take the little one somewhere out in nature.
12. Cut down on caffeine.
13. Unplug more.
14. Revise my course syllabus.
15. Clean out my file cabinet.
16. Bring lunch to work.
17. Make lemonade.
(I hope writing these down helps me stick to them.)

End of the School Year

Tonight was the little one's end of the school year celebration. Potluck dinner. Toddler and preschool singing performances (the little one didn't sing a word, but did clap after each one.) Flowers, class pictures, and a CD with photos for each child. It was beyond sweet. Hard to believe that she was such a teeny thing when she started there in August. She has grown into a full-fledged kid, learned how to be with friends, and blossomed with the sense that she is truly loved and cared for. And now that we're getting to know the community more, I'm happier than ever that our family has found a place there.